I finally understand why they make bar studying so miserable
I found myself crumpled in a ball at my parents house yeasterday afternoon sobbing as I left my dog there. Turns out the life of a first year associate is really, really hard. I worked about a ln 80 hour week last week and the only end in sight is labor day weekend. Which means I’ve been eating every meal out. Imbalanced, unhealthy and expensive. I’ve been not getting enough sleep, not working out and, generally miserable. So when my mom suggested I leave the love of my life with her indefinitely I did. Because I can’t take care of her right now. I can’t take care of myself it seems. Coming home to my pup was the highligt of my long long days, but just wasn’t fair for her. Being a first year associate is constantly an uphill battle. Learning to deal with clients who expect miracles, opposing counsel who tries to beat you down because you’re a new female lawyer, feeling like you never will know enough and sacrificing things that are important to you and the things you love for the billable hour, your clients, and the chance to become great at what you do. So as I leave my house fueled with a breakfast I didn’t get out, without my Sunday chores even thought about, without time for my half marathon long run, and without a morning walk with my puppy, I keep telling myself I just have to win this round to get to the next. Even if there are tears of stress and anxiety throughout the day. Everyday. Until labor day.
I felt this way two summers ago. When I was studying for the bar exam and felt like there wasn’t enough time and so much pressure even though I was smart enough. And now, I really think, the first test as whether you’re cut out to be an attorney is not whether you can memorize statements or law and apply them how some grader thinks you should, but whether you can do that after two horrible months and survive. So, First Year: it may rip me apart doing it, but I’m going to get through you just like I did the hellatious bar exam.
